Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I Can't
I have thought of leaving
It has crossed my mind to leave you alone
I wanted to stop everything now
Tried to run away from reality
But I cant be apart from you
Cant be apart from you
What more do you want?
When we cant understand each other anymore?
Until when should we stay like this?
Two hearts, too emotional
But I cant be apart from you
Cant be apart from you
Patience, I tried to be patient
Realise, we should realise
That we are both created
Never to be separated
And I cant be apart from you
I cannot be apart from you
I cant...
(translated from Slank's hit song 'Ku Tak Bisa')
My dear Jay....
I cant be apart from you......any longer....come back soon ok....*hugs*
`iRained
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Monday, March 27, 2006
"I think I am in love...
What should I do?
It hurts so much...
But I want to go on hurting forever..."
Jay said that he felt like crying after reading my message...I dont know what I did...all I did was to tell him that whatever he felt for me is mutual...I felt exactly the same way too....and I guess Jay was touched by that...he said that although he was happy to hear that from me, he couldnt help but feel very sad and lonely because I was not there with him....and at that point, I couldnt help but feel like crying too....I hate the fact that we are separated by distance, but somehow I feel very assured because I know that I do have a place in his heart....like Jay once said, it is not the distance that matters but it is the love between two souls that will tie the two of them together... :)
I dont how I did it but I managed to go through 8 months without Jay being here with me...I still remember that phonecall he made from the airport before he boarded the plane and also the tears that I shed every time the pain of losing him gets too much to bear. Today, I dont cry for Jay anymore...but it's not because I dont miss him as much as I did during the first few months after he left but it's because I have learned to be patient...and the fact that Jay has given me alot of verbal reassurances these days kinda helps....hehehe....:)
Btw, I was reading some stuffs about Pisces guys on astro.com the other day and apparently, Pisces guys wont say mushy stuffs like "I love u" or "I miss u" because they think that such expressions are uber silly....hahahaha...but how come Jay has said those stuffs to me? Does this mean that I do mean a lot to him?? hahahahaha....*wink wink*
"I am sorry....but I'm just in love..."
`iRained
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Saturday, March 25, 2006
Unbelievable by Craig David
Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.
[Chorus]
It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.
In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive, I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.
[Chorus]
When I think of what I have, and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.
[Chorus]
Now I see, what love means
This song is dedicated to you, my dear...whatever I want to say to you is found in the lyrics of this song...i love u...*hugs*
`iRained
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Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I have to admit that I was not mentally ready to hear the L word from Jay. Not even if he meant it in a friendly way...because it is just not 'normal' to use the L word even on ur best gal friend...but why should I be complaining? Havent I been waiting for this for so long? And now that he has said it, why am I feeling this way?
Yesterday, I watched the Korean movie 'A Moment to Remember'...the guy never said "I love you'" to the girl before...it was always her saying it...and he totally regretted for not saying it as she was already losing her memory due to Alzheimer's Disease...in the end, he finally said it...before it was too late....:)
See, some people go through their lives without even having the chance to hear their loved one say "I love you" to them...some will only get to hear it as their lives ebb away....
So, I guess I should be thankful for that very special moment...no...not 'should'...I AM grateful.....very very grateful...very very very thankful.....
*sigh*
`iRained
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Monday, March 20, 2006
Was it a dream? Was it even real? Did it really happen?
I am in a daze....I cannot believe that the thing that I have been dreaming of for so long finally came true last night. I dont know what to do, say or think. It just doesnt seem real...can somebody pinch me??
He used that four letter word....
Yes, L.O.V.E......
*_*
"I love you, Tika...."
Good God.....
I mean I know that he loves me (just like how I love him...and all the beautiful people in my life) but to have him verbalize it like that....it was just too overwhelming for me. I guess it is because I have never been in this kind of situation before. All my life, it was either I liked the guy but he didnt feel the same way or he liked me but I didnt want him....it was never mutual. Never.
Until today. Right now...this very moment.
I dont know what to make of this whole thing...I mean he could have meant it in a non-romantic way right? I know Jay very well...we are just so alike....and I love all my friends, so maybe when he said that he could meant it in a friendly way right???
*grrrrr* This is sooooooo stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He also said that he wished that I was there with him on his birthday so that we could celebrate it together....
So, what does he mean by that??
I know some of u must be slapping your foreheads going "OI...it is so obvious right???? Still want to ask aahhhhhh?????"
hahahaha.....
Ok, what is certain is that I do love Jay....and that maybe he loves me too. But whether our love is based on friendship or more than that, then I guess only time will tell.
`iRained
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Thursday, March 16, 2006
"You are the only thing I have that still makes sense...."
After all the drama, I am beginning to realise that I should be truly contented and grateful for what I have right now. I nearly lost him and that scared me so much that I guess I should really treasure even the smallest of gestures instead of demanding for something that may be too hard for him to fulfill. I have to admit that I was very insecure. I still am, in fact. But I am working on it...albeit slowly. Because of my insecurities, I lost my faith in him....to the extent of accusing him of doing something that he never did. I was so unreasonable. I was so ugly. And I hated myself for reacting in such a manner. Cos that is not how good friends should treat each other....right? :)
*sigh*
Yesterday was his birthday...I wanted to email him but a mental block stopped me. Which was good since I may have ended talking rubbish instead...hahaha...so to compensate for that failed email attempt, I smsed him instead....and I could just imagine what my mobile bill would look like for this month....hahahaha.....becos of that silly misunderstanding, we had been exchanging smses like nobody's business...like as if my dad was the head of Singtel or something....n one global sms costs $0.30...so multiply that by XXXX number of smses and what do u get??? A bankrupt Atika laaaaa!!!!!
*See Jay?? Wouldnt it be cheaper if u just hop onto a plane and come back to Singapore?????*
*grrrr*
Ok ok....I should be contented......grateful...thankful.......cos at least we still get to communicate with each other despite of the distance....but then again, I still hope that he will come back soon...*sobzsobz*
But whatever it is, what is more important is that we will never lose each other's friendship.....no matter what.
:)
`iRained
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Monday, March 13, 2006
I am so glad that I switched on the tv just now....cos Channel 5 is showing Joan of Arcadia again at 3pm! And I hope it is shown only on Mondays cos my off day is on that day and if they show it every weekday, I will miss most of the episodes allllllll over again......*sigh* I guess I better check the Sunday Times for this week's tv listing later. Woopee!!
I am also glad that Jay and I had that utterly silly misunderstanding. I mean I am not glad in that way...I still wished that I didnt have to go through that one week of agony but hey, some things just happen and maybe God does have a reason for that. Well, back to the topic of being glad.....hahahaha....well, Jay is definitely putting more effort now...he has been messaging me more, calling me more (but cos I didnt activate my global roaming thingy,his calls will get disconnected after 1 ring....hahaha...but just seeing his name under my missed call list is enough for me...cos it meant that he was thinking of me at that moment....:) and basically keeping in touch more....and that is one thing that I am so happy and glad about. Now, I am just thinkiing about activating that global roaming thingy....cos after 3 more missed calls from Jay last night, I wondered if he really wanted to call me to talk to me or if he just wanted to miss call me (like usual.....hahahaha....). So, I just smsed him to inform him about my inability to make or accept international calls....and his reply? "I was actually planning to call you right now......." I mean, he actually went to top up his prepaid card at 11pm just so that he could call me!!!! (err, maybe not....maybe his prepaid card was already running low...it's not really becos of me....hahahahahahahaha)
Now...should I activate that global roaming thingy??? Just in time for his birthday on Wed??? Should I???
BUT I AM BROKE!!!!!!! (eerr, not really...but I kinda overspent this month....hehehe)
1) Toshi-chan's repair services - $400
2) HSBC financial plans (2 months worth of premiums) - $600
3) Yesterday's shopping spree - $200 (totally worth it by the way....hahahaha...thanks to my Sis....:)
See, I spent $1200 this month already!!!!!
And I still have my Girls' Night out on the 18th.....which I am sure I will spend a considerable amount of money on.....(duh, they are going to Devil's Bar...like what the...? hahahahaha)
*sigh*
So, should I? Or should I not?
*double sigh*
p/s: I MISS YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
`iRained
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Saturday, March 11, 2006
I guess I just cannot let you go. I tried, but it lasted for only a week. How sad huh? Well, had you not broke the silence that fateful night, I would have smsed you anyway. But just as I was thinking about what I should say to you, my mobile vibrated....and it was you. I couldnt believe my eyes when I saw your name in my inbox. I thought it was my friend, cos she would always sms me after the guys' night on American Idol. Yeah, both of us are Chris's fans...and as I was watching them perform, I couldnt help but think about exactly a week ago, when you repeatedly smsed and called me to apologise about what 'you' did. 7 days passed after that night and you didnt sms me anymore. And I thought that you were pissed off at me too. But you were not right? (well, I hope not!)
You asked "Tika, am I not yet forgiven?" Well, you didnt have had to ask. Cos I had forgiven you the first time you said sorry. And I was never angry at you in the first place. How can I be angry at the light of my life? The one whom I have been praying for his safety and good health every night, before I go to sleep? The one whom I've been missing like crazy since he left?
If I was even angry at all, the only person that I would be angry at would be nobody else but myself. Cos I thought that I had done something terrible to make you not want me anymore. I thought that it was my fault. But guess what? It was nothing but a mere misunderstanding. I cannot believe that our first 'argument' was due to a technical glitch. See, technology can be unreliable at times....and I am glad that we managed to solve everthing...clear everything up before it got any worst. Before it dragged on to the point of no return.
Because next week is his birthday after all. :)
"Happy 21st Birthday in advance, Jay....and I miss you so much."
`iRained
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Monday, March 06, 2006
Everytime I finally mustered the courage to say goodbye to you, you will return, pull my hand and make my heart want to say yes all over again. I love you and I will always do, but I have to move on. I have to do this because I am going insane because of you. I love you so much but I have to start loving myself more.
I still miss you. I will never stop missing you. But it has come to the point where I cannot stand it anymore. I cannot handle missing you anymore. I have to just let you go. All the good and bad times. Everything....I have to throw them far,far away...before I throw my life away for something that I may never have in this lifetime. For someone whom I may never see again in this lifetime.
Last Thursday, I finally had the courage to delete all your smses which I have been keeping all these while. It was one of the most difficult things for me to do because your smses never fail to comfort me whenever I start to long for you. I would read them every night, over and over again...and somehow, I would hear your voice in my heart. And that was how I managed to go on with life for the past 6 months. You gave me strength, but you also killed my insides....
After I took my shower and settled myself on my bed to catch American Idol, I reached for my mobile, totally determined to delete your number from my phonebook. Deleting your number would have been the last thing that I had to do to finally reach a closure where we are concerned. But Fate has a funny way of doing things. I was this close to finally finding a peace of mind. But then, when I flicked my mobile open, I saw 5 smses waiting for me.
You sounded remorseful. You wanted to talk. You said that you would wait for my reply.
But by then, I was already very exhausted. Why couldnt you just let me forget you? I didnt reply to your smses. And then came the phonecalls. After I read your smses, I sobbed so hard. I broke down. I kept my mobile in my cupboard because I didnt want to give you an impulsive reply. I was too emotional then. And I watched the American Idol with tears flowing down my cheeks.
I finally checked my mobile at around 11pm.
And I was greeted by 9 missed calls.
My heart ached so bad.
But,I am sorry. It is not that I dont care anymore. But I HAVE to let my heart mend. I have to let you go. And until the day when you can come back, please let me live in peace. Because I am tired of missing you every single second of my life.
`iRained
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