Monday, March 06, 2006
Everytime I finally mustered the courage to say goodbye to you, you will return, pull my hand and make my heart want to say yes all over again. I love you and I will always do, but I have to move on. I have to do this because I am going insane because of you. I love you so much but I have to start loving myself more.
I still miss you. I will never stop missing you. But it has come to the point where I cannot stand it anymore. I cannot handle missing you anymore. I have to just let you go. All the good and bad times. Everything....I have to throw them far,far away...before I throw my life away for something that I may never have in this lifetime. For someone whom I may never see again in this lifetime.
Last Thursday, I finally had the courage to delete all your smses which I have been keeping all these while. It was one of the most difficult things for me to do because your smses never fail to comfort me whenever I start to long for you. I would read them every night, over and over again...and somehow, I would hear your voice in my heart. And that was how I managed to go on with life for the past 6 months. You gave me strength, but you also killed my insides....
After I took my shower and settled myself on my bed to catch American Idol, I reached for my mobile, totally determined to delete your number from my phonebook. Deleting your number would have been the last thing that I had to do to finally reach a closure where we are concerned. But Fate has a funny way of doing things. I was this close to finally finding a peace of mind. But then, when I flicked my mobile open, I saw 5 smses waiting for me.
You sounded remorseful. You wanted to talk. You said that you would wait for my reply.
But by then, I was already very exhausted. Why couldnt you just let me forget you? I didnt reply to your smses. And then came the phonecalls. After I read your smses, I sobbed so hard. I broke down. I kept my mobile in my cupboard because I didnt want to give you an impulsive reply. I was too emotional then. And I watched the American Idol with tears flowing down my cheeks.
I finally checked my mobile at around 11pm.
And I was greeted by 9 missed calls.
My heart ached so bad.
But,I am sorry. It is not that I dont care anymore. But I HAVE to let my heart mend. I have to let you go. And until the day when you can come back, please let me live in peace. Because I am tired of missing you every single second of my life.
`iRained
i loved @ 12:19 PM
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