...*___ b e c a u s e - y o u

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

While I am stuck in rainy Singapore, he is probably in Manila right now, enjoying himself with his friends.

*bummer*

Btw, I just discovered that his moon sign is Scorpio. So that makes him a Pisces-Scorpio. And I am a Scorpio-Taurus. Hence, no matter how we shuffle things around, we are still a match made in heaven.

Or so they said. haha.

But even a match in heaven has its hellish moments too. To me, nothing sucks more than being apart from him. I hate long-distance relationships! *grrr* In LDRs, we have to work extra harder in every aspect. Extra trust, patience, communication. And one thing I've learnt over the past year is to never, ever jump to conclusions. Never assume. Cos most of the times, you are just being paranoid for nothing. haha.

Most of you surely know how impatient I can be. I hate waiting. When I want something, I want it NOW. But I can't have Jay here whenever I want him to. No matter how hard I insist, he cannot be here at a drop of a hat. So, for the first time, I felt powerless. And helpless.

The first few days after he left, I felt an immeasureable amount of depression. I felt lost. I felt like as if I have lost my rock. I blamed God for separating us. I would cry everyday and every night. I was spiralling downwards. And whenever I hear from him, I would feel even worse. No matter how hard he tried to console me, I was not taking any of that. I was going crazy.

I guess it must have took me months before I could come to terms with the separation. I threw myself into my work. I tried my darndest best to block out the pain and the loneliness. But I could only do so much. The mask that I had painted on my face was slowly starting to crack. All over again.

But it was not all that bad. Jay and I tried to communicate with each other as much as we could. And it was all those surprise emails or smses that came without any notice that really kept our love alive. He also continued to affirm his feelings for me as often as he could. And I really appreciate that. Cos Jay is a very private person who more often than not, keeps to himself. So, the fact that he could put himself in a vulnerable position by expressing his innermost feelings to me really meant a lot to me.

I also try to make him relevant in my life by updating him about my life frequently. Before I share a certain news with everybody else, I would share it with him first. He is the closest friend to me, although physically, he's the furthest. And I loved it when he gets excited and happy for me. Or when he remembers me in his prayers.

With Jay in my life, I feel like I can face whatever life throws at me head on. I found my inner strength in him and I know that he is rooting and cheering for me from wherever he is right now. You know, I may not have made it to the summit of Mount Kinabalu if not for him. Before I left, he told me that he believed in me. He trusted me, even when I couldnt trust myself. And as I was ascending the mountain, he never left my mind. When I was delirious from sheer exhaustion and I started having monologues, I kept my sanity by 'talking' to him. He was the reason behind all my successes. And I wanted to succeed because I wanted him to be proud of me.

Jay, if I could say just one thing to you, it would be 'thank you'. Thank you for existing in my life. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. Thank you for your love, trust and prayers. Thank you for just being you.

And thank you to you too, God....for allowing our paths to cross and to merge as one.

Ok, enough of all these ramblings. And I thought only he has an addiction to sentimality. Looks like I need to go for rehab for the same thing too....see. we ARE perfect together.

hah!

Amen.

`iRained i loved @ 11:34 AM
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Saturday, December 02, 2006

I LOVE YOU, JAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can see, I received the 'verdict' today. At 4 am, no less...hahaha.

And yeah...GOOD NEWS!!

And I am just so glad that I took the plunge by asking him that BIG question. I asked him what exactly am I to him...cos u know, I never knew. We went from strangers to friends to close friends to 'I-dont-know-what' in a matter of a year and never once did either one of us popped this question. We were so comfortable with where we were that maybe we became complacent. We took our current situation for granted. And I didnt want that.

Cos it is becoming increasingly difficult to explain when friends start to ask about our relationship.

I mean, yeah..I do love him and I know that he loves me too. But friends do that too right? Love does exist between two friends right??

And I began to doubt what we have - are we just friends? Good friends? Or more than that???

I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to have some affirmation from him. So that at least, I will have a reason to continue to wait for him.

And this morning, I got what I have been searching for all these time.

For once, the person that I love, loves me back too. He said that I am a very special person to him and that he cares for me more than just a friend. And he said that when he comes back, he will tell me in person what he really feels for me. He also said that he doesnt want to lose me...

*sobz*

I am just so thankful to God for allowing me to meet this amazing person...

I love you baby...soooooooooooo much...

*hugs*

`iRained i loved @ 11:18 AM
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