Spirit of Me - Love, Life, Shits...

miss u

2006-12-19T11:34:00.000+08:00

While I am stuck in rainy Singapore, he is probably in Manila right now, enjoying himself with his friends.

*bummer*

Btw, I just discovered that his moon sign is Scorpio. So that makes him a Pisces-Scorpio. And I am a Scorpio-Taurus. Hence, no matter how we shuffle things around, we are still a match made in heaven.

Or so they said. haha.

But even a match in heaven has its hellish moments too. To me, nothing sucks more than being apart from him. I hate long-distance relationships! *grrr* In LDRs, we have to work extra harder in every aspect. Extra trust, patience, communication. And one thing I've learnt over the past year is to never, ever jump to conclusions. Never assume. Cos most of the times, you are just being paranoid for nothing. haha.

Most of you surely know how impatient I can be. I hate waiting. When I want something, I want it NOW. But I can't have Jay here whenever I want him to. No matter how hard I insist, he cannot be here at a drop of a hat. So, for the first time, I felt powerless. And helpless.

The first few days after he left, I felt an immeasureable amount of depression. I felt lost. I felt like as if I have lost my rock. I blamed God for separating us. I would cry everyday and every night. I was spiralling downwards. And whenever I hear from him, I would feel even worse. No matter how hard he tried to console me, I was not taking any of that. I was going crazy.

I guess it must have took me months before I could come to terms with the separation. I threw myself into my work. I tried my darndest best to block out the pain and the loneliness. But I could only do so much. The mask that I had painted on my face was slowly starting to crack. All over again.

But it was not all that bad. Jay and I tried to communicate with each other as much as we could. And it was all those surprise emails or smses that came without any notice that really kept our love alive. He also continued to affirm his feelings for me as often as he could. And I really appreciate that. Cos Jay is a very private person who more often than not, keeps to himself. So, the fact that he could put himself in a vulnerable position by expressing his innermost feelings to me really meant a lot to me.

I also try to make him relevant in my life by updating him about my life frequently. Before I share a certain news with everybody else, I would share it with him first. He is the closest friend to me, although physically, he's the furthest. And I loved it when he gets excited and happy for me. Or when he remembers me in his prayers.

With Jay in my life, I feel like I can face whatever life throws at me head on. I found my inner strength in him and I know that he is rooting and cheering for me from wherever he is right now. You know, I may not have made it to the summit of Mount Kinabalu if not for him. Before I left, he told me that he believed in me. He trusted me, even when I couldnt trust myself. And as I was ascending the mountain, he never left my mind. When I was delirious from sheer exhaustion and I started having monologues, I kept my sanity by 'talking' to him. He was the reason behind all my successes. And I wanted to succeed because I wanted him to be proud of me.

Jay, if I could say just one thing to you, it would be 'thank you'. Thank you for existing in my life. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. Thank you for your love, trust and prayers. Thank you for just being you.

And thank you to you too, God....for allowing our paths to cross and to merge as one.

Ok, enough of all these ramblings. And I thought only he has an addiction to sentimality. Looks like I need to go for rehab for the same thing too....see. we ARE perfect together.

hah!

Amen.

i miss jay

2006-12-11T20:15:00.000+08:00

You know the festive season is making me miss my baby soooooo much...n he's going to Manila next week.....*sobz* And you know, I am so worried about him...cos everytime I read the papers or watch the news, I hear about the destructions and deaths due to the typhoons....and all I can do is to say a silent prayer for him....:'(

Damn it, Jay...come back soon ok....

You said that you never want to lose me...and you know that I would just die if I were to lose you.....so keep yourself safe ok....

u know i love ya...

*hugs*

Praise to God

2006-12-02T11:18:00.000+08:00

I LOVE YOU, JAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can see, I received the 'verdict' today. At 4 am, no less...hahaha.

And yeah...GOOD NEWS!!

And I am just so glad that I took the plunge by asking him that BIG question. I asked him what exactly am I to him...cos u know, I never knew. We went from strangers to friends to close friends to 'I-dont-know-what' in a matter of a year and never once did either one of us popped this question. We were so comfortable with where we were that maybe we became complacent. We took our current situation for granted. And I didnt want that.

Cos it is becoming increasingly difficult to explain when friends start to ask about our relationship.

I mean, yeah..I do love him and I know that he loves me too. But friends do that too right? Love does exist between two friends right??

And I began to doubt what we have - are we just friends? Good friends? Or more than that???

I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to have some affirmation from him. So that at least, I will have a reason to continue to wait for him.

And this morning, I got what I have been searching for all these time.

For once, the person that I love, loves me back too. He said that I am a very special person to him and that he cares for me more than just a friend. And he said that when he comes back, he will tell me in person what he really feels for me. He also said that he doesnt want to lose me...

*sobz*

I am just so thankful to God for allowing me to meet this amazing person...

I love you baby...soooooooooooo much...

*hugs*

Somebody owns you now

2006-11-27T14:41:00.000+08:00

Should this blog cease to exist one day, it would be because Jay and I are no longer together...

The past few days have been especially tough for me...and maybe for him too. I opened a can of worms a few days ago and I wonder if I should have confronted him like that. But I think that we should start to face the deeper issues, instead of shoving them in some dark corner, never to be unearthed. And that is the cause of the present awkwardness and silent treatment.

And how have I been taking all these crap?

Well, I knew that he will react like this. I have already preempted his actions way before I confronted him.

And I am not surprise at all.

The boy needs time. And that is what I like about him. He is not the type of person who reacts spontaneously and regrets his actions hours later. He is the kind who will take it all in, walk away and come back days later with an answer. He is calm like that.

But I cannot take it anymore. The waiting is driving me crazy...

:(

Jay, just dont make me give up on us....ok?

Honestly

2006-11-19T08:55:00.000+08:00

"And though the world would never understand
This unlikely union and why it still stands
Someday we will be set free
Pray and believe..."
(Rivermaya's You'll Be Safe Here)

Can you believe it?? I saw Rivermaya at Orchard Cineleisure on Thursday!! I was going up the escalator while they were going down the other escalator when I saw the vocalist, Rico. And I was like "This guy looks so familiar.." And within a fraction of a second, I realised that they were a couple of other guys behind him and somehow, I had eye contact with Japs, the band's bassist. He smiled and that was when it hit me....it was RIVERMAYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

About to hyperventilate, I turned to Nisa who was beside me..."Nisa, do you know Rivermaya??" She was like "Yeah.." And I think I said something like "Those guys are Rivermayaaaa!!!!!!!!" It was so funny...hahahaha....but we didnt run after them though...which was a waste right??!! Nevertheless, I am just sooooo happy that at least I managed to see them in person.....one more dream has come true for me!! hahaha!!

And what made the experience even sweeter is that I was gonna buy their album that day. I planned to cross over to HMV from Cineleisure after the movie....and it was so cool that I managed to see them even before I could get my hands on their cd!hahaha!And I didnt even know that they were in Singapore...so it was really a nice surprise for meeeeeee!!!! It was like a nice late birthday present or something...hehehehehehe.....and yeah, they were really good-looking....hahaha. But you know that I can be pretty bias towards cute Filipinos...hahahaha...

Well, I have been listening to their cd constantly for the past few days...and I just love it! And I could really identify with some of the songs...like You'll Be Safe Here and Bali Song....the words to those songs basically sum up whatever I've always wanted to say to Jay....*hugs*

And talking about Jay, I bet he would flip when he knows that I saw Rivermaya up close....hahahahaha.....:P

*Support Pinoy Music!*

Especially for you

2006-11-13T20:35:00.000+08:00

Dedicated to the most beautiful guy to ever grace my life story...Jay, this one's for you.

Pride has stopped me,
So many times...
From telling you,
What you exactly mean to me...
How much you mean to me...
How dear you are to me...
But now,
Let there be no more secrets...
Between you and me..

I love you.

Everyday, every hour, every second...
Your name resonates deep within me,
With every beat of my heart.
And you know,
It doesnt matter...
If maybe,
You dont love me too..
Because I cannot stop loving you,
Even if you ask me to.

But please...
Do not ask me...
Why...

Why you...
Why I miss you..
Why I long for you...
Why I care about you...
Why I pray for you...
Why I love you...

Because I do not have any answers to give you...
I just do...

So, at times...
Should you let your imagination get the better of you,
I just want to tell you this...

There are many guys in my life..
In my past and my present...
And I have never attempted to hide that fact...

But right now...
There is only one person in my heart.
And that person is you...
Let it just be you...
Only you...
For the rest of my life....

Jay, I have been hurt before. And it took me so long to recover. It took me years before I could open my heart for another person. But when I met you, I realised that maybe I could do this again...maybe I should be brave again...maybe it is time to put myself in a vulnerable position again. And I took that chance. I opened my heart for you. I let you in. I began to relearn the meaning of caring for another human being.

And I truly thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. To be somebody significant to you. To be somebody whom you could care about. And no words would be enough to express how grateful I am to God for allowing us to meet.

Jay, dont you think that it must be Fate that allowed us to meet and fall in love? I mean, we could have gone through this lifetime without knowing each other. But somehow, our life paths were intertwined into one. We met, we became friends and we found love in each other's hearts.

You are definitely God's gift to me.

And I never want to lose you.

Jay, I love you so much. Thank you for everything....*hugs*

10 QNs

2006-11-09T11:55:00.000+08:00

10 Questions About Your Significant Other

1. What do you call him?
Simply Jay....no pet names for him...haha...cos I just love saying his name...

2. What does he call you?
tika/dear. Or 'oi' when i'm not listening....hahaha

3. What was your first impression of him?
I thought he was cute. I remember thinking "Damn laaa...why is there a cute guy here?????" I was kinda nervous cos I dont handle myself well in front of good-looking people(or at least people who are good looking TO ME)...hahahaha........i start to stammer and all....so embarassing....:P And I avoided Jay ALL the time...cos I just didnt want him to look at me....hahahaha....maybe becos I felt like as if I was not worthy of his eye contact....:P

4. Was there instant attraction?
It was electrifying!!! hahaha... no laa......we started out as friends...and I really enjoyed his company...he was always making me laugh...and what sealed it for me was when he could keep up with my philosophical ramblings....cos he used to take a philo module in uni too...so it was really cool that we could have an intelligent convo together....hahahaha

But actually I cant really remember how/when we started getting close....hahaha....because it seemed like as if we were close from the start....maybe we were soul mates in our past lives or something...it just felt natural...:)

5. Who asked who out first?
He did...he smsed me in the middle of the night asking me if I would like to accompany him to get a new handphone the next day...hahaha...and I found it weird cos he could have asked his other friends to go with him...like his male buddies or something...but he asked ME......like kinda duh right? hahahahah....:P But I said yes anyway.....:P

7. Beautiful memories?
It gotta be the time that we spent at the Arts canteen. THAT LAST DATE...and I was this close to sobbing in front of the lunch crowd....but I held it in...it was just very, very emotional....cos he had to return to PHI in 2 days time....and we were hating the moment when we had to be separated...:(

8. Any differences?
Jay and I are as different as land and water. From age (he's 3 years younger than me) to religion (he's a staunch Christian) to nationality (he's a pinoy), we have NOTHING in common...but somehow, we found common ground...somehow, we could connect...somehow, we could disregard every little differences because we just care about each other too much...somehow, we could find love in each other....and that made it ALL the more special....nobody can stop us, man...nobody.

8. What's your couple song?
Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney.

9. Is he a romantic guy?
Err...hahahaha....he's a sweetie pie...but romantic? I dunno...but I love it when he tells me that he misses me so much, when he calls me dear, when he talks about what he wants to do with me when he's back, when he said that he loves me....I really appreciate every single word that comes from him..cos I know its not easy for him to express himself like that...to be so open and vulnerable like that...I think its not easy for ANYBODY...so, I appreciate that....and I love him so much for that. And I am just so thankful that our love is still growing strong despite being separated for more than a year now....and I thank him for all the effort that he has been putting into this whole thing...for still wanting it....for still treasuring it...and I believe that if we could go through this, we could go through anything in the future....:)

10. What's the best thing that he has said to you?
"You are one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me..." (Everybody...AWWWWWWW!! hahahahaha)

Patience is the key

2006-11-05T12:13:00.000+08:00

What an emotional week...

*sigh*

You know, maybe we ARE meant to be together. I mean, why is it that everytime I want to let you go, everytime I want to raise the white flag, you would pull my hand and make me reconsider the decisions that I have made????

Why Jay????

Wouldnt it be easier for the two of us if we just pretended that we never met??? You wouldnt have to come back here and I would finally have peace of mind. We would go on with our lives, like as if nothing happened.

Wouldnt that be better for our sanity?????

But you had to to do THAT....you HAD to EXPLAIN yourself....you HAD to make sense of everything....

You know, sometimes I am just so tired of you and your silent treaments. You would disappear for weeks, without telling me what you were up to. And when I would reach my super fed-up point, you would return...with your explainations...and your apologies.

I know you Jay....you ARE like that....and there is nothing in this world that can change the way you are. Not even me.

And that is something that I am still trying to understand. That I am still trying to accept.

I should have pre-empted this when I knew you were a Pisces....cos you Pisces guys are famous for your silent treatments. You fly away without any notice. And without any warning, you will return and act like as if you have done nothing wrong. And we, the long-suffering women who are silly enough to fall in love with you Pisces guys, have to learn to just wipe our tears and smile and welcome you back into our arms when you have finally made the decision to return from your dream world.

And that is something that I have been doing for the past year. It is bad enough that we are separated by distance. So, to have you do this.....u know sometimes I just feel like strangling your neck....hahahaha......:P

But you have taught me the meaning of patience. I never thought I could last this long. I never thought I was this strong.....*sigh*

Jay, you know I truly love you so....but I wish you could be a bit more considerate. Dont make me worried all the time. Dont make me go through the paranoia and the fear of not knowing if the person that I love with my heart and soul is still alive or not. Dont you ever do that to me again........

Please...

Cant Hardly Wait

2006-10-17T13:45:00.000+08:00

The day that I've been waiting for may be coming sooner than I had expected.

Because he is done with his final exams and will be graduating soon. He also said that he will try to come back as early as he can...

And of course I am ecstatic at the thought of seeing him again.

But I am also getting a little bit nervous too.

Because I wonder what it will be like to see him again, after more than a year.

Have things changed without our own awareness? Will it be awkward? Will we be able to start all over again?

*sigh*

I still remember that time when he said that he wants to come back for me. Because of me. And yeah, there are so many things that I want to do with him. And everyday, I would play them out in my head. It is the very thought of materialising them that keeps me going till today. Cos without those dreams, I'm not sure if I can stand being apart from him for this long.

So, instead of being apprehensive about the whole thing, I guess I should be happy and thankful right?? Finally, Jay is gonna be by my side again.

"When I am back, the first person that I will be seeing is you...."

And I can't hardly wait.

*winks*

I love u

2006-09-13T10:02:00.000+08:00

At the end of the day, Jay is still the one who is in that deepest, most special corner of my heart...

After all the dust has settled and the excitement has died down, he would still be the one whom I would return to...

When I was with Ryan, I thought that maybe he would be the guy who could make me forget Jay and move on with my life...I have to admit that I had a ball of a time when Ry was here last week. But was I truly happy with Ryan??

Yeah, I was happy cos it was a dream come true after all...Who would have thought that Ryan would actually want to talk to me and hang out with me??? But then one day, on my way home after hanging out with Ry, I suddenly realised that I loved Jay sooooo much and that there was no other guy that I would rather be hanging out with, no matter how famous he is....

Jay will be graduating by the end of this year...and he said that he may be coming back to Singapore after that...u know Jay, my greatest wish is for you to come back in time for my birthday....that would be like the best birthday present that you could ever give me...

And Jay, you are still the one whom I want to be with....because I love you...and I love you for no other reason other than the fact that nobody can make me happy like you do.....

*hugs*

Who knew?

2006-08-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

After what seemed like forever, I finally pluck the courage to rewatch the clip that Jay and I made when we were at the Arts canteen. But I guess I was not brave enough cos I ended up listening to the clip instead of watching it...I had to minimise my Windows Media Player cos I just couldnt bear to see Jay there...laughing, smiling, totally happy....

I know I have said this a million times before...

But I just miss him...

So bad.

And I kept playing the clip over and over again...listening to our silly conversation and also to Jay's bittersweet goodbye message....I had to bite my lips to stop myself from crying when I came to the sadder bits of the clip...haha...

"You are not just a friend, but you are a part of my life now...and since you are already a part of me, you will be with me for the rest of my life..."

I still remember that moment...my heart was pumping wildly, my hand was shaking (hence the clip's shaky quality...hurhurhur)and I had to try sooooo hard not to cry in front of him...and that kinda set my mood for the entire day...and worse of all, I had to choose a sappy, Japanese tear-jerker of a film for our last movie date...

God, why am I so emotional today??? See, an idle mind is indeed a devil's workshop!!!!!!!!! *sigh*

Anyway, even if this does not last, I can die a happy woman, knowing that for once in my lifetime, I must have done something right to make a man love me this much...

So, I guess I should cheer up huh??

CHEER UP, ATIKA!!!!!!!!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

*I wished I had something else to talk about. But I can only talk about my life. And he is my life...*

Mahal ka sa akin

2006-07-30T09:13:00.000+08:00

"Life is not worth living until you have found someone worth dying for..."

One year has passed.

12 months.

365 days.

Not one day has passed without him in my mind.

He is already a part of my life.

An important part of my existence.

He is my everything.

He is what I live for.

And I am so glad to have found him,

Although Fate could be so cruel to separate us by distance.

But nothing can keep our love away...

Absolutely

Nothing....

To my significant wonder,

I love you so much....and I miss you even more than you could ever imagine...mahal ka sa akin, Jay...

*hugs*

So sick

2006-07-22T10:49:00.000+08:00

Every year, without fail, I will fall sick. If not with the flu, then maybe fever. Well guys, it is that time of the year again! Last year, healthy me succumbed to a terrible bout of high fever in May (or was it April). It was especially terrible probably becos Mom was not in Singapore to take care of me. She was away in Mecca, doing her minor pilgrimage. This time around, Mom is here to take care of me....how nice...hurhurhur.

I have been feeling lethargic since Wednesday and my nose was running too (I am not the runny-nose kind of person by the way...I am more of the suck-and-spit-the-phlegm-away kind of person...hahaha..so when my nose starts to run, I know that I am getting very sick...). Plus, my throat hurts all the way to my left ear. But I am kinda egoistic...I dont like to admit that I am ill. Nevertheless, I surrendered on Thursday morning and went straight to the doctor's....and I was rewarded with a bag of medicine and 2 days MC.....

Anyway, I cant believe that I have not blogged about my pet yet!!!!! Yes guys, I am a proud owner of a Sapphire Grey dwarf hamster!!!! I didnt buy it though....one of my kids, Glenn, gave it to me because his hamsters just kept spawning and spawning...and he has been asking if I wanted one for the longest time...and to end his constant yakking into my poor ears, I said yes.....but I was also apprehensive as to how Mom would react to this little ball of fur....I sussed her out one evening and she gave me a big, fat no...but I had already given my word to Glenn, so last Saturday on the 15th of July 2006, I brought my bundle of joy home. And guess what?

Mom fell in love with it.

Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha........

So, everything ends well. Everybody in the family loves him (yup, even Dad has taken a shine to him...hehehe) and I am just glad for this happy ending. Btw, his name is Nino....hehehehe...after my fav Arashi member...hahahahaha.

Well, it is good that I have something to occupy my free time with (not that I have a lot to begin with...work is taking up my ENTIRE life!!!!!!!)...rather than mope and get depress over Jay, now I have Nino to make me laugh and smile. The responsibilities that come with having a pet is also making me one very busy woman. I mean, Jay is now saddled with so many responsibilities in school (he has just been elected as the president)and I know that he will be too busy for me...so, I am just glad that Nino is here...

:)

But I would give up anything for him to be right here with me...God, I miss him soooooooooooooo much....!!!!!

:(

*sobz*

Happy For You

2006-07-21T08:35:00.000+08:00

To the light of my life,

I am so proud of you. And I am so happy that your peers do recognise the greatness that is found in you. This is your time to shine, so dont be afraid to seize the light. I know you can do it.

Remember, I will always be here for you...

No matter what...

*hugs*

Only Love

2006-07-14T22:06:00.000+08:00

~Only Love~

After you left,
You left all the dreams and love that we owned.
You made me fall,
In the darkest dream that never ends.
I tried to be strong,
As I piece together what is left of our love.

Only love,
Is making me strong as I stay here and wait for you,
To come back for me.
Only love,
That is found,
Between what is left of my heart and yours.

Dedicated to the light of my life...i miss you.

all alone

2006-07-10T10:04:00.000+08:00

It has been a year since you left. And I want you to know that I still miss you...I still long for you...the feelings are still there and they will never change or cease to exist. My heart still bleeds and aches...for you. Just like that very moment when you left.

"You are one of the best persons that I have ever met in this lifetime..."

You said that to me. And I want to say the same thing to you too. You are and will always be one if not THE best person that I have ever met in this lifetime. You mean a lot to me. And I dont care what other people may say or think about us. Because what we have is between the two of us. Only we can understand this whole thing. Not them.

You have been a great friend all these while, even if you are not here for most of our friendship. But you know, you may be far away but you are the closest to me. I tell you stuffs that I dont tell my other buddies. You are the first person whom I share my joys and fears. You are the only one in my heart.

I lived through a year of my life without you by my side. And I am sure that I will have to go through a few more years all alone. I am willing to continue waiting. Really, I do. All I ask for is that your desire to return will not fade away as time passes us by.

I know that people change. Feelings change. You hoped that I will never change and I promised you that I wont. I didnt break my promise to you.

But what about you?

No other love?

2006-06-09T10:55:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Tak Akan Ada Cinta Yang Lain (No Other Love) by Dewa19.

Ryan Conferido. Paul Twohill. And many other more...

I think the guy who chooses to be with moi has to learn to live with my fangirlism...cos I dont think I can only have one guy in my heart....hahahaha....:P I mean, there are just too many cuties out there to go crazy over!!!! It would be so unfair to give them all up just for one person....right? :P

But then again, my motto is "Like a lot, adore a few, love only one..." So, you dont have to worry ya...cos right now, you're the only one in my heart....and you're the only one who is real....:)

Anyway, here is the breakdown of what my motto actually means:-

"Like a lot..." = my male buddies + friends (as long as u dont irritate me and we can have a decent and enjoyable convo, u will belong under this category) + anybody who catches my attention.

"Adore a few..." = those guys whom I go crazy over...usually, they are my fav boyband members, actors, personalities etc....in a nutshell, my idols...hahaha

"Love only one..." = you know who...*winks*

So, there is remotely any reason to feel insecure...cos you are my only one....

But sometimes, I am the one who feels so darn insecure...cos I wonder what you are doing over there...but I should trust you right? And i do trust you...it's just that sometimes, I feel like as if I am not good enough for you...like, what the hell are you doing with somebody like me???

*sigh*

Kangen banget sama kamu

2006-06-05T10:30:00.000+08:00

"You are one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to me..."

Sweet??

hehehe...:)

Dealova

2006-06-04T21:38:00.000+08:00

Atika has been....

1) Preparing for her Mount Kinabalu expedition - One more week before the big day and I am getting all nervous already!!! *woohoo* Last Sunday, the group went hiking at Bukit Timah Hill and how we did that day was like a testimonial of our stamina...and how did I fare?? Well, I think I did pretty well....and it was more of a mental challenge than a physical one, I must add. I kept having to pysche myself to keep going, especially when I was faced with this very, very steep flight of steps...and man, it was soooo painful!! I could feel my muscles screaming for mercy with every step I took...hahaha...but I did it!!! The BTH hiking excursion was also a great opportunity for us to get to know each other...well, actually for them to get to know ME....cos, they already knew each other...and I was the only outsider...hahaha..but I am happy to say that they are all great guys (very, very lame too...i must add!!hahaha!)and I cannot wait for the trip!!!!!!!!!

And I am close to ticking off all the items on our "What to bring" list...I only have my knee guards to get...hopefully I can get them by this week...and today, I got a pair of Columbia hiking shoes (sis and i bought the same one...cos the model which I wanted has run out of my size..sobz). I also bought a new digicam (finally!!!!!!) - a Canon Ixus (gold in colour...very the tai-tai hor...hahaha) and it is definitely the reason why I am so happy today....i just cant wait for Jay to come back so that I can take loads of pics of his cute face....hehehehe...n we can also make clips of each other...which reminds me of his 'confession' clip which we made while we were at the Arts canteen....initially he refused to let me record the whole thing, cos he wasnt ready...but something eventually got into him and i think he said something along the lines of "ok, dont have to think...i just say what i feel...." hahahaha...and when Jay started, there was no stopping him....hehehe...n watching the clip never fails to bring tears to my eyes...even till today...i miss u dear...*sobzsobz*

2)Singing - I just cannot stop singing that Dealova song!!!!! Btw, I embedded the mtv to this song on my Friendster profile...and as usual, it is dedicated to you know who....and Mom is also a big fan of this song too!! *way to go, mother!!!*

3)Singapore Idolizing - I am supporting Paul....and I have my reasons for doing so! 1)His wackiness makes for good tv...
2)He is undeniably entertaining...love him or hate him, i am sure he has captured our attention these past few weeks...
3)He can hold a decent note....hey, he made that girl cry when he sang that 3 Doors Down song...altho she could have cried cos he might have mangled the song (which i dont think he did though....hohoho)...

and....the most crucial reason of all...

4)He has pinoy blood!! His mom is a Filipino-Chinese...and I am sure all of u already know how I feel about any guy who is remotely pinoy right....hehehehehe....*winkwink* And before I forget....Paul is a Piscean too!! How cute....:P

5)Watching tv - YES! MY JOAN OF ARCADIA IS BAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKK on Channel 5!!! They are currently showing Season 2 every Sunday at 5pm and I am just so happy that God has answered my prayers....hahahaha.....now I can get my Christopher Marquette fix every Sunday!!!(his character is so Jay-like...)

and lastly...

6)Missing him ...*sigh* I guess I just gotta be patient ya..i just gotta wait and wait and wait...but then again, sometimes virtual hugs and kisses are no longer enough for me...i want him here...i want the real thing....i feel like calling him right now...i just want to hear his voice.....

But I gotta be strong! And I can do it!!!! I know I can!!!!!!!!!

GIRL POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!

hehehe...:)

I miss you badly too

2006-05-24T09:18:00.000+08:00

"It is not the distance that matters, but it is the love between 2 souls that will tie them together..."

My favourite quote from my favourite guy...:)

I love you...and I miss you badly too....

*sigh*

Hmm, why am I sighing??

I am happy....very, very happy....I feel very blessed actually. Life couldnt have been better. And I am not talking about my job. Even if my job sucks (which doesnt, actually...hehehe...i like my job...n i'm really beginning to enjoy it!! hehehe!)it doesnt matter...cos he is here.

Ok, technically (or physically...hehehe) he is not here...but I can feel him...he has never really left my side...cos he is always there...always in my heart...and sometimes, when I close my eyes I can still hear his voice, his laughter...I can see his face, his warm smile, his beautiful eyes...God, I miss him so much....I wanna see him right nowwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehe...:P

And to hear from him that he misses me too...and to hear him using the terms 'we' and 'us' all the time...what he wants to do with me when he's back...that really means the world to me...and I told him yesterday about my wish to go to this place with him when he's back....it is a place which some of u guys have been bugging me to go with u all....but i'm sorry guys....when i finally go there, it will be with him....i promised him (and myself..hehehe) that already.....hehehehehe.....and where/what that place is??? Secret for now.....hehehehehe! (cos i didnt even divulge it to jay....i told him that i wanna keep it a secret for now...and i dont want to say it here in case he reads this post!!! hahaha!)

It will be a year since he left in a few more months time....but our friendship is still going strong till today...and i've never been more in love with him than right now....he just makes me so happy these days....hehehe....*love u*

God, i can go on and on and on....gushing about this significant wonder of mine....but i shall stop now cos the last thing i wanna do is to make u all puke on your keyboard....hahahaha.....ok, ciaoz guys....n thanks for all ur emotional support as i go thru life without him by my side....and thanks for tolerating a love-sick Atika.....hehehe.

*hugs*

Ryan's out!

2006-05-22T21:26:00.000+08:00

I spent this morning in a very atypical fashion. Usually, my Mondays would be spent in bed...yes, the whole day I would be in bed..I would sleep till noon, check my emails, take a shower, watch tv till 4pm, take a short nap...and only at 7pm would I be totally refreshed and rejuvenated...but guess what? I actually woke up at 8am and walked to the post office to pay my bills. And I realised what a beautiful morning it was...so, I went home, grabbed my mobile and mp3 player, put on my cap and left...the cool morning breeze was practically shouting at me to get out and take a walk around the neighbourhood. And I did.

I started from East Sussex Road (or was it Avenue??hahaha), walked towards Jelita, passed Henry Park Pri School, walked along Mount Sinai, reached Ghim Moh...and I continued walking to Holland before I turned towards East Sussex once again....so all in all, I circled the entire Mount Sinai-Ghim Moh-Holland neighbourhood....hehehe...and I covered everything in 1 hour....cos I really walked very,very slowly.....:P And for some reason, I felt like tearing up as I was walking....maybe becos I am PMSing right now....or cos of the music in my ears (my mp3 is loaded with sad love songs...hahahaha)...or maybe it was just the beautiful greenery around me....I just felt so melancholic as I was walking....and for that one hour, I had a lot of thoughts in my mind...

Work...the children....my impending Mount Kinabalu trip...him...

*sigh*

How long has it been since he left? 9 months? 10 months? Sometimes, I dont even feel like keeping track anymore...cos doing that is not going to make him come back to my side this very instant...and I dont like to stress him out by asking him when he will come back to Singapore...cos I dont want to distract him from his studies....I dont want to make him unhappy...I dont want him to miss Singapore too much....so, I keep quiet...I pepper my messages with cheerful words, desperately trying to hide my real feelings...I try to sound optimist for his sake. For my sanity's sake too, I guess...:)

But sometimes it shows...and I cannot help it.

Some days, I would be really happy. I would laugh, I have a certain bounce in my step...I just feel good, u know....But some days, I would just feel damn shitty. I feel like I just want to jump. And I will secretly cry in the dark. I would have a relapse. I would start missing him like crazy again. I crumble. And it definitely shows.

I cant help it. I live for him. It is his love which is sustaining my life right now. He is my energy. He is my universe. He is what I live for.

I love him.

*sigh*

See, even when I said that I would not talk about him anymore, I would end up talking about him even more....

*double sigh*

Anyway, Happy Birthday to the May babies....to my sis who turned 29 today, well I hope you will stop being so bimbotic all the time....hahahahaha...but no matter what, I cannot wish for a better sister than you...be happy always ya! Cant wait to scale Mount Kinabalu with u...!!! Banzai!!!!! And to my mates Nad and Nisa....Nad, although we have not met for some time now, you will always be in my heart! We should meet up soon ya!! And Nisa...no matter how many friends I make in this lifetime, you will always be one of my bestest pals...you stuck by me for 3 years and I wanna tell u dat I wouldnt be able to go thru 3 years in JI without you and the other gals...only you could tolerate my bad temperedness....you saw my ugliest side yet you still wanna be my friend....and I really appreciate that....thanks ya...*hugs*

Well, lets end this post on a high note ya...even when black clouds loom over my head, I know that the love from the people around me will lift my spirits again....my family, friends and my significant wonder....I love all of you!!!!!!!

:)

p/s: Ryan is out of SYTYCD...*sobz* But if that will put him out of his misery, then I am happy for him...and I know that with or without the show, Ryan will continue to dance...Ryan, you rock and you dont need a tv show to tell you that!! *woohoo*

pp/s:Peterpan is coming to Singapore for a showcase at Hard Rock Cafe next month! And the worse thing is, I will not be in Singapore!!!!!!!! I will still be in Sabah!!! *sobz sobz* Anybody going??? Cos if you are, I need you to pass my love letter to Uki.....hahahahahahahahahaha!! *I'm joking!!!!*

Silence

2006-05-16T21:33:00.000+08:00

:Dedicated to my significant wonder...:

It is always hard for me,
To talk about you to my friends...
It is not that I am, for whatever crazy reason...
Ashamed of you...
But it is because
No words would be enough
To describe you
What you mean to me
How beautiful
How precious
You are to me...
It would be unfair to talk about you
When no words would be sufficient
To paint you
In your entirety...
That's why, from today onwards
I will try not to talk about you anymore
Because nobody would understand anyway
The beauty that is in you...
The beauty which for whatever crazy reason,
You allowed me to see...

Bittersweet Symphony

2006-05-14T13:44:00.000+08:00

Last Thursday was spent hanging out with my darling buddies - Sue, Carolyn and Charmaine....we had dinner at FEP and walked over to Cineleisure's TCC before heading for home....and gals, I had so much fun!!! Even if all we did that day was sat and stare at each other, I would still say that I had fun....cos u know, what was more important to me was that we had the chance to meet up and see each other again after so long....:) And silly me forgot to charge my mobile the day before...and that nearly resulted in an Atika-no show...hahaha....Orchard MRT Station was soooo packed (well, it was the start of a long weekend...)and I kept praying to God that somehow, they would see me in the midst of the crowd....and as I was busy craning my neck, hoping to see at least one of them, I kept getting interrupted by lost tourists and surveyors....hehehehe.....:P But despite all the drama, the day went well....we could have just chatted the whole day away if not for the fact that all 4 of us were pretty shagged....and broke too...hehehe....well, I am sure that there will be more dates to come....right, gals???

With highs, come lows.....

I stumbled upon Ryan's blog the other day. And by the time I finished reading it, I was overcame by a sudden wave of emotions which had been dormant for some time. Without realising it, tears were streaming down my cheeks...and for what reasons, I am not sure why....maybe it was the tale of his tragic love story...or the way he poetically expressed himself....that night, I saw a side of Ryan which I never thought existed. That is the problem with television...you only see one side of a person - the side which the producers think the viewers should see. But his blog...it's his...it contains his own train of thoughts....his story....a slice of his life....and u cant fake that.

I think what touched me the most was the fact that even the most perfect fairytale can turn awry...love can morph into something which barely resembles it. It can disappear over time. Where the hell has the notion of 'everlasting love' gone to????????? Why cant people love each other for the rest of their lives???? Where is the love, man????????????

I've seen my fair share of bad love stories around me. And it sucks...it makes you become even more sceptical about the whole romantic notion of falling in love and growing old together. I wouldnt be able to take it if my loved one suddenly wakes up and realises that he no longer has any feelings for me. Or if all we do when we meet is fight over the slightest things...

But then again, there are lots of grey-haired couples out there who are still madly in love with each other...just the other day, I saw an aged Caucasian couple holding hands as they windowshopped....so maybe, I shouldnt lose my faith just yet.....right???

Ryan Cordefiro ROCKS!

2006-05-09T21:04:00.000+08:00

So You Think You Can Dance??

err...I dont think I can....hurhurhur...ok, I CAN dance but I take a llooooonnnngggg time to get the steps...I will always be the one going left when people are going right....hahahaha

I think I've danced in public only twice in my lifetime. The first time was when I was in kindergarten...if I'm not wrong, it was for my batch's graduation ceremony at the community centre (I have a pic of that performance on my Friendster...if ur curious...hahahaha). Second time....that Chingay performance of course!! We collaborated with the Hokkaido peeps for the Yosakoi Soran dance....and did we rock?? OF COURSE WE DID!!!!!!! *woohoo*

So, wassup with all these talk about dancing?????

Well, i've been hit by the SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE? bug!!!!! One of the coolest programme so far....and the contestants are really inspiring too....*sigh* If only I can dance like them....:P

And I was so disappointed when Craig got booted out of the competition....he was much better than Jamile definitely....not to mention cuter as well!! hehehe....plus, that washboard stomach is TO DIE FOR!!!!!!!!!!!! *swoons* But heck...he's gone....and guess to whom my attention has shifted to???

*guess laa.....*

Ok ok....I think some of you may have guessed it la....hehehehe...

My latest SYTUCD? eye candy and object of desire is......

*are you ready???*

p/s: he's mine....so hands off...this is a warning....kekeke....

ok.....here you go....

RYAN CONDEFIRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's so cute (bad on the outside but sweet in the inside...I like!!!) and most importantly, he can dance....(yeah...like as if that is important to you....hohohoho)..but seriously, 2 weeks of Ryan shaking his booty to salsa and latin dance is ENOUGH to convert any girl into Ryanism...hehehehe....ahhh.....RYAAAANNNNN..!!!And guess what? Ryan has something in common with Jay...hehehehe.....well,he's a pinoy too....:) (now, I like Ryan even more...hohohoho..*winkwink*)

I'm so happy....kekeke...i mean, it has been so long since I went mad over a guy like this...(u know, guys who do exist but they do not exist in my world...hehehe)....so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope I'll dream of Ryan 'Yummylicious' Condefiro tonite....hehehehe.....*swoons*

*Goldfish is stuck in her fangirl mode and she cant snap out of it....ahhh, minna-san tatsukete!!!!!!!!!!*

i love jay

2006-05-07T20:16:00.000+08:00

Like my new skin? :) Well, i've been planning to change it for some time now cos dont u think that the previous "My World is Empty" skin is just a tad too angsty??? And I just wanted to have a blogskin which reflects the inner calmness and happiness which I am enjoying right now...hehehe...cos yeah, i'm really happy right now....with him around, everything seems right...even if the whole world turns its back on me, I know that he will still be with me...:) *sigh* Life has never been this good for sooooooo long.....hehehe..

So, what have I been up to lately? well, i've been pretty busy with my preparations for the Sabah trip next month...been climbing the stairs to the 15th floor for 3 days now..my fastest record so far is 5 mins up and down 15 floors...not bad right?? But of course, my legs still get a tad wobbly by the 7th floor...and the pulling pain on your thigh muscles can really break any stair climbing newbie's spirit...but i guess i must be masochistic cos i actually like the pain...hurhurhur

My sis and i have also been doing our shopping and i managed to get a very nice winter jacket in lime green...and the best thing was, it was within my budget....plus, sis and i agreed that no matter what, we must climb in style...hehehe...so that's why we are investing in climbing gear that looks good....very vain right?? hahaha...

We dropped by Takashimaya y'day cos sis wanted to visit the Watsons there (cos its the biggest and we may be able to find lotsa stuffs there...like disposable underwear...hahahah) She also dragged me to that FOX store to get her polo tees...and not surprisingly, she ended up going gaga over this Filipino guy who was working there...*tsk tsk tsk* and she still can ask me who is cuter, him or Jay.......*rolls eyes* Like duh....of course MY Jay is cuter...well, at least to me.....hehehe

*sigh* i miss him so much...because of my Sabah trip, i told myself that i must really cut or minimise my daily expenses....for example, use the internet to communicate with Jay instead of smsing him cos the former is definitely the cheaper option...but i just couldnt help it!!! On fri, after reading his message, i felt like i just had to sms him immmediately to tell him that i missed him too...n my gut feeling tells me that Jay is feeling kinda down lately...but he's not saying anything though....God, how i wish i am there with him....

*sigh*

Cutie pinoys

2006-04-30T16:12:00.000+08:00

Dad finally changed the cable box to the digital one and guess what?? They have been watching movies after movies on HBO and Starworld Movies...and I think they were literally glued to the screen cos they didnt even nag at me after I came home late last night....hahaha....well, I finally had the chance to get my hands on the remote this morning and with more than a hundred channels to choose from, it felt like as if I was a cable tv virgin all over again....n it felt kinda deju vu, if u ask me...hahaha....

Reality TV channel, Man U TV, Arirang, NHK and JET TV (HAIL JAPAN!!!!!!), Asian Food Channel....and the unexpected of the unexpected...

TFC...

ie The Filipino Channel....

hahahahahaha.....I wonder what Jay would say if I tell him that I have access to TFC....hahahahaha....

Well, watching TFC was like watching Mediacorp when it was still called SBC....heheheh....I caught snippets of this show called ASAP 2006 cos I was alternating between TFC and the Arirang channel cos somehow, those Korean SUPERKIDS were more enticing than those uber cute pinoys on ASAP 2006 (Question of the Day:Were they as cute as Jay??? hmmmm...)....but let me see if they are showing those telenovellas (ie soap operas) on TFC....cos I really enjoyed watching them when they were shown on RTM2....cos yeah, the Filipino guys were realllllyyyyyyyy cute....*wink wink*

And talking about Jay, I told him about my plans to climb Mt Kinabalu this coming June...and he was like "But I'm still studying!!" hahaha...hmm, how he got the idea that i wanted him to go with me, i have absolutely no idea....hehehehe.....he said that he wished he could tag along but yeah, i dont think he could take time off from school...plus, he said that he's broke....hehehehe.....but i assured him that hopefully, we will be able to travel together one day......maybe to Japan??? hehehehehe....well, lets just see....:)

p/s:Watching TFC just made me miss Jay so much...the faces, the language, the accent....maybe i should stay clear of TFC from now on...*sigh*

I love it when you care...

2006-04-25T19:13:00.000+08:00

I hate Mediacorp!!! How could they take away my Joan of Arcadia and replace it with Renovate My Family???? Ok, the latter is also a great show but I would rather watch Joan and Adam than a bunch of people screaming like monkeys upon seeing their instant house....*which makes me wonder...a house which is built in a week...will it last for a week too?? hahahaha....*

My Joan of Arcadiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....*sobzsobz* I will miss my Adam Rowe for sure... cos he just reminds me of Jay, you know....strong yet vulnerable, intense yet easygoing, intelligent yet humble, dreamy yet assertive....:)

*grrrr* I am soooooooooooooo angry that I am "turning into a ghost"!!!!!!(winks at BK..hahaha)Well, I hope I will be able to find JOA's first season DVD boxset....but then again, I dont exactly have a DVD player......:P

Ok ok...whatever ahhh....*grrrr*

But on a happier note, I just realised that Nicolas Saputra is a Pisces....*swoons* Just like you know who.....kekekekeke.....*wink wink*

And talking about you know who, I kena 'scolded' by him when he knew that I was not feeling well over the weekend...actually I was not really sick...I just had a bad sore throat and migraine....and it was only later when I realised that my migraine was thanks to my wisdom tooth....I was also damn exhausted and mentally drained out...but Jay was not having any of it, I guess....he called me on Sunday and this morning, he messaged me...he was just sooo kawaii la cos he was actually nagging at me...and Jay never nagged before...well, at least never to me cos he knows who's the BOSS waaattt....hahahahaha.....*winks* And I think he suddenly remembered that fact cos he apologised for being "strict and demanding..." hahahahaha....:P

But u know Jay...I love it when you nag at me...

Cos it shows that you care....

*hugs*

Arigato ne....:)

From the eyes of a 6 year old...

2006-04-20T18:04:00.000+08:00

Kids' Say The Darndest Things....

According to Yun Ying...

Reza looks like "a kampung boy..."

Andika looks like "as if he had his eyes punched..."

Loekman looks like "another kampung boy..."

Uki (my Ukiiii!!!) looks like "a rock star..."

Ariel looks like "a kampung man..." (hahahahaha)

while Indra looks like "an uncle..." (double hahahahahaha)

God bless her...

She's only 6....:P

Because You Live

2006-04-19T21:21:00.000+08:00

I bumped against the grey seat at the busstop this morning and now, I have a mother of a bruise on my left thigh....see, I can never be fully awake in the morning, no matter how many hours I sleep a day!!!! I am soooo shagged......but then again, my colleagues (they are my mates now....not just colleagues...:)have been very supportive and we are like one happy family already....we laugh, cry, bitch and whine together....how fun....hahahaha....but nothing beats 3 solid months of holiday....why must 3 years in NUS pass so fast????? *sobzsobz* I really, really want to cycle at East Coast with Sue, Carolyn and Charmaine....I will do anything for that opportunity, man!!!!! Gals, I MISS YOU 3 SOOOOO MUCH!!!! Back to my colleagues, well I am very thankful to have peeps like them here at work....and my 2 mentors have been superb too...thanks guys!

And finally, my final formal observation is done and over with TODAY!!!! I had 2 informal and 2 formal observations and yeah, it was a very nerve-wrecking experience....but I'm glad that I didnt make any major blunders throughout the whole thing....*phew* But of course there's no way I'm gonna rest on my laurels....i still have a long way to go and i'm still learning along the way...so, gambatte to myself and BANZAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!

Been listening to lots of Indonesian bands lately and u know, its really nice to be able to understand the words to the songs that ur listening to....hahahaha....bands like Peterpan,Dewa19,Slank and Ada Band are just some of the bands that i'm currently listening to.....i'm just glad to have found something new to obsess about....hahahaha......:)

Well, i need to spice up my life a bit waaattt.....so bored u know....working and being surrounded by 4 walls from 8:30 to 6 can really be neurologically- numbing...plus,Arashi seems to be pretty quiet these days....and Jay is still not back yet(p/s:his "jay just misses tika..." message really made my day today..he's such a sweetie right??hehehehe...he's not my best bud for nothing, i guess!hahaha)....i think i need a hobby....i need a life!!!!!! Can u believe it, the last movie I watched was in December!!!!!!!! *shit, man!* U know, if Noraini is going to Tokyo this June I will follow her....i dont care already ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

*breathes in and out*

I think i'm pmsing laa....so, just ignore me k....hahaha....

alritey....

chao romanoz!!!!

:P

Yumi ga...

2006-04-07T11:55:00.000+08:00

Last night,I dreamt that Jay is already back in Singapore...*sobz* I was at the airport and just as I was getting tired of waiting, he suddenly appeared in front of me...I just smiled at him and he gave me a hug.....then I woke up....*sheesh*

That dream affected me so much that I had difficulties going back to sleep...and it was only 3plus am....I kept replaying that scene in my head as I slip in and out of consciousness....part of me wished that I could continue the dream but too bad, it didnt happen....hahahahha...:P

Some people say that dreams can come true but some also believe that dreams can be the opposite of reality............:(

*sigh* Now, I cant concentrate on my work....i miss Jay soooo much.....:'(

It's my life

2006-04-05T21:08:00.000+08:00

I had a great time hanging out with Narima at Holland V's TCC last Saturday.....usually I would be super shagged by the time I leave my workplace but somehow, I was able to last till 12 midnight that day....I guess it was the caffeine in my Oreo Mocha Frappucino that gave me that much needed energy boost but heck, you can give me all the caffeine in the world but if the company is boring, I wont be able to stay awake for long....hahahaha....cant believe that we could chat from 5:30 till 12midnight....hahahaha....well, we were unloading to each other about our love lives so yeah, we did have ALOT to chat about...hehehe....:)

And as usual, dad was making such a big fuss about me coming home late....he started to call me at 10pm (which was utterly ridiculous....) and around 11 plus, he was calling me every other minute....dad has this paranoia that either one of us (ie sis, bro n me) will get beaten up, killed or raped if we stay out too late...he just doesnt trust the world...and us too, i guess...i mean, do I look like the kind of gal who will incite a fight? Or hang out at seedy joints or pick up or let myself get picked up by strangers? Everytime I go out with my pals, we will be doing the usuals - shopping and chatting!!! Just that! But dad will never understand that....hmm, maybe cos he never had friends to hang out with anyway???hahahahaha....:P But its ok...I know that he was just being the typical dad....*sigh*

I told Jay about what happened and he was so cute...he said that if i'm feeling pissed off, I should just go somewhere and shout my anger away.....hahaha....great advice but hey, Singapore is too small....where can i go to release my pent up frustrations at my dad?? Maybe I should go to the games arcade or Kbox one of these days....any takers? :)

But despite that mini-showdown between my dad and me, I have to admit that I am still in very high spirits....i have new motivators in my life now and one of the is my beloved PETERPAN!!!!! Ariel, Uki, Reza, Andika, Loekman and Indra.....datang ke Singapura untuk konsert yaaa!!! I will definitely be there!! *woohoo* SINGAPORE LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Terus maju musik nusantara!!!!! (ok ok...I am still in the APM mood....kekekeke)

The other motivators in my life are my kids of course!!! I am beginning to really develop a strong bond with all of them and what really moves me is when a child not only starts to show interest in learning but when they morph from this ugly, noisy and bratty kid into a sweet and diligent one....one example is my Glenn of course...he was once the thorn in my flesh, the bane of my life....he was one really difficult child...but right now, he would occasionally bring me breakfast and when his dad was late, he would sit and just share with me stories about his school, friends, dogs and family....I am so glad that I persevered with him....I was this close to transferring him to another class but I didnt want to give up on him...and it paid off!! *yay!!* To all my beautiful kids...thanks for everything....i pray that all of u will grow up to be fine adults one day...*hugs*

And who is my final motivator, I hear u ask? hahahaha....of course its my best bud on earth, Jay!!! hahahaha.....everything is going really great for us....been keeping in touch on a daily basis now (no longer weekly....hehehehe) and that is something that I am really happy and thankful for....and u know what? i dont want to care too much about the future anymore...i dont know if i will still feel the same way a year from now, but what matters is that i do care for him at this very moment...and u know, i used to wonder why Jay kept saying 'thank you' over and over and over again in his messages.....i even began to question if what i thought was love was actually just pure gratitude on his part.....but now,i'm doing the same thing too...i kept saying 'thank you' to him too......i mean, it might seem very formal (or too formal, in fact)to say 'thank you' all the time but now i realised that the both of us were just darn thankful to have each other in our lives....i mean, we could have gone through our entire lives without crossing each other's paths....we come from 2 different backgrounds...we come from 2 different countries.....but maybe we were fated to meet......and that is something that we are definitely thankful about.....*right,Jay?? hehehe*

*sigh* Nearly every post has something about him.....hope u guys are not bored already.......hahahahaha.....

Update

2006-04-03T17:23:00.000+08:00

What have I been up to lately (other than working my butt off, of course!)??

*Renewing my crush on Uki...hahaha...I hope Peterpan will come to Singapore for a con soon!!!!

*Renewing my doubts about the whole affair btw me and him...are we or are we not just best buds? hmmm.....

*Rewatching the first season of Joan of Arcadia...I am so in luv with Christopher Marquette!!!!!! HE IS JUST SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! Definitely the kind of guy whom I would date...hehehe...definitely....:P

*Restrengthening my ties with my bud...we hung out at Holland V's TCC till 12midnight last Saturday...and we had sooooooo much fun!!!! We met at around 5:30 and we just chatted the whole evening away...I wished we could have stayed till closing time but dad was calling my mobile every few seconds so I had to leave of course...n the coffee was so good that I didnt even yawn the whole time I was there...hahaha

Well, that's all for now...I gotta do more Uki-stalking now....hehehe...ciaoz!

Ku Tak Bisa

2006-03-28T21:41:00.000+08:00

I Can't

I have thought of leaving
It has crossed my mind to leave you alone
I wanted to stop everything now
Tried to run away from reality
But I cant be apart from you
Cant be apart from you

What more do you want?
When we cant understand each other anymore?
Until when should we stay like this?
Two hearts, too emotional
But I cant be apart from you
Cant be apart from you

Patience, I tried to be patient
Realise, we should realise
That we are both created
Never to be separated

And I cant be apart from you
I cannot be apart from you
I cant...

(translated from Slank's hit song 'Ku Tak Bisa')

My dear Jay....

I cant be apart from you......any longer....come back soon ok....*hugs*

I feel like crying too...

2006-03-27T09:01:00.000+08:00

"I think I am in love...

What should I do?

It hurts so much...

But I want to go on hurting forever..."

Jay said that he felt like crying after reading my message...I dont know what I did...all I did was to tell him that whatever he felt for me is mutual...I felt exactly the same way too....and I guess Jay was touched by that...he said that although he was happy to hear that from me, he couldnt help but feel very sad and lonely because I was not there with him....and at that point, I couldnt help but feel like crying too....I hate the fact that we are separated by distance, but somehow I feel very assured because I know that I do have a place in his heart....like Jay once said, it is not the distance that matters but it is the love between two souls that will tie the two of them together... :)

I dont how I did it but I managed to go through 8 months without Jay being here with me...I still remember that phonecall he made from the airport before he boarded the plane and also the tears that I shed every time the pain of losing him gets too much to bear. Today, I dont cry for Jay anymore...but it's not because I dont miss him as much as I did during the first few months after he left but it's because I have learned to be patient...and the fact that Jay has given me alot of verbal reassurances these days kinda helps....hehehe....:)

Btw, I was reading some stuffs about Pisces guys on astro.com the other day and apparently, Pisces guys wont say mushy stuffs like "I love u" or "I miss u" because they think that such expressions are uber silly....hahahaha...but how come Jay has said those stuffs to me? Does this mean that I do mean a lot to him?? hahahahaha....*wink wink*

"I am sorry....but I'm just in love..."

Unbelievable

2006-03-25T16:47:00.000+08:00

Unbelievable by Craig David

Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.

[Chorus]
It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.

In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive, I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.

[Chorus]

When I think of what I have, and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Ohh yeah, break down and cry.

[Chorus]

Now I see, what love means

This song is dedicated to you, my dear...whatever I want to say to you is found in the lyrics of this song...i love u...*hugs*

I love u too

2006-03-21T13:09:00.000+08:00

I have to admit that I was not mentally ready to hear the L word from Jay. Not even if he meant it in a friendly way...because it is just not 'normal' to use the L word even on ur best gal friend...but why should I be complaining? Havent I been waiting for this for so long? And now that he has said it, why am I feeling this way?

Yesterday, I watched the Korean movie 'A Moment to Remember'...the guy never said "I love you'" to the girl before...it was always her saying it...and he totally regretted for not saying it as she was already losing her memory due to Alzheimer's Disease...in the end, he finally said it...before it was too late....:)

See, some people go through their lives without even having the chance to hear their loved one say "I love you" to them...some will only get to hear it as their lives ebb away....

So, I guess I should be thankful for that very special moment...no...not 'should'...I AM grateful.....very very grateful...very very very thankful.....

*sigh*

Aishiteru

2006-03-20T10:56:00.000+08:00

Was it a dream? Was it even real? Did it really happen?

I am in a daze....I cannot believe that the thing that I have been dreaming of for so long finally came true last night. I dont know what to do, say or think. It just doesnt seem real...can somebody pinch me??

He used that four letter word....

Yes, L.O.V.E......

*_*

"I love you, Tika...."

Good God.....

I mean I know that he loves me (just like how I love him...and all the beautiful people in my life) but to have him verbalize it like that....it was just too overwhelming for me. I guess it is because I have never been in this kind of situation before. All my life, it was either I liked the guy but he didnt feel the same way or he liked me but I didnt want him....it was never mutual. Never.

Until today. Right now...this very moment.

I dont know what to make of this whole thing...I mean he could have meant it in a non-romantic way right? I know Jay very well...we are just so alike....and I love all my friends, so maybe when he said that he could meant it in a friendly way right???

*grrrrr* This is sooooooo stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He also said that he wished that I was there with him on his birthday so that we could celebrate it together....

So, what does he mean by that??

I know some of u must be slapping your foreheads going "OI...it is so obvious right???? Still want to ask aahhhhhh?????"

hahahaha.....

Ok, what is certain is that I do love Jay....and that maybe he loves me too. But whether our love is based on friendship or more than that, then I guess only time will tell.

a short post

2006-03-16T16:18:00.000+08:00

"You are the only thing I have that still makes sense...."

After all the drama, I am beginning to realise that I should be truly contented and grateful for what I have right now. I nearly lost him and that scared me so much that I guess I should really treasure even the smallest of gestures instead of demanding for something that may be too hard for him to fulfill. I have to admit that I was very insecure. I still am, in fact. But I am working on it...albeit slowly. Because of my insecurities, I lost my faith in him....to the extent of accusing him of doing something that he never did. I was so unreasonable. I was so ugly. And I hated myself for reacting in such a manner. Cos that is not how good friends should treat each other....right? :)

*sigh*

Yesterday was his birthday...I wanted to email him but a mental block stopped me. Which was good since I may have ended talking rubbish instead...hahaha...so to compensate for that failed email attempt, I smsed him instead....and I could just imagine what my mobile bill would look like for this month....hahahaha.....becos of that silly misunderstanding, we had been exchanging smses like nobody's business...like as if my dad was the head of Singtel or something....n one global sms costs $0.30...so multiply that by XXXX number of smses and what do u get??? A bankrupt Atika laaaaa!!!!!

*See Jay?? Wouldnt it be cheaper if u just hop onto a plane and come back to Singapore?????*

*grrrr*

Ok ok....I should be contented......grateful...thankful.......cos at least we still get to communicate with each other despite of the distance....but then again, I still hope that he will come back soon...*sobzsobz*

But whatever it is, what is more important is that we will never lose each other's friendship.....no matter what.

:)

Tanoshikatta

2006-03-13T18:37:00.000+08:00

I am so glad that I switched on the tv just now....cos Channel 5 is showing Joan of Arcadia again at 3pm! And I hope it is shown only on Mondays cos my off day is on that day and if they show it every weekday, I will miss most of the episodes allllllll over again......*sigh* I guess I better check the Sunday Times for this week's tv listing later. Woopee!!

I am also glad that Jay and I had that utterly silly misunderstanding. I mean I am not glad in that way...I still wished that I didnt have to go through that one week of agony but hey, some things just happen and maybe God does have a reason for that. Well, back to the topic of being glad.....hahahaha....well, Jay is definitely putting more effort now...he has been messaging me more, calling me more (but cos I didnt activate my global roaming thingy,his calls will get disconnected after 1 ring....hahaha...but just seeing his name under my missed call list is enough for me...cos it meant that he was thinking of me at that moment....:) and basically keeping in touch more....and that is one thing that I am so happy and glad about. Now, I am just thinkiing about activating that global roaming thingy....cos after 3 more missed calls from Jay last night, I wondered if he really wanted to call me to talk to me or if he just wanted to miss call me (like usual.....hahahaha....). So, I just smsed him to inform him about my inability to make or accept international calls....and his reply? "I was actually planning to call you right now......." I mean, he actually went to top up his prepaid card at 11pm just so that he could call me!!!! (err, maybe not....maybe his prepaid card was already running low...it's not really becos of me....hahahahahahahaha)

Now...should I activate that global roaming thingy??? Just in time for his birthday on Wed??? Should I???

BUT I AM BROKE!!!!!!! (eerr, not really...but I kinda overspent this month....hehehe)

1) Toshi-chan's repair services - $400
2) HSBC financial plans (2 months worth of premiums) - $600
3) Yesterday's shopping spree - $200 (totally worth it by the way....hahahaha...thanks to my Sis....:)

See, I spent $1200 this month already!!!!!

And I still have my Girls' Night out on the 18th.....which I am sure I will spend a considerable amount of money on.....(duh, they are going to Devil's Bar...like what the...? hahahahaha)

*sigh*

So, should I? Or should I not?

*double sigh*

p/s: I MISS YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!

The Light of My Life

2006-03-11T20:52:00.000+08:00

I guess I just cannot let you go. I tried, but it lasted for only a week. How sad huh? Well, had you not broke the silence that fateful night, I would have smsed you anyway. But just as I was thinking about what I should say to you, my mobile vibrated....and it was you. I couldnt believe my eyes when I saw your name in my inbox. I thought it was my friend, cos she would always sms me after the guys' night on American Idol. Yeah, both of us are Chris's fans...and as I was watching them perform, I couldnt help but think about exactly a week ago, when you repeatedly smsed and called me to apologise about what 'you' did. 7 days passed after that night and you didnt sms me anymore. And I thought that you were pissed off at me too. But you were not right? (well, I hope not!)

You asked "Tika, am I not yet forgiven?" Well, you didnt have had to ask. Cos I had forgiven you the first time you said sorry. And I was never angry at you in the first place. How can I be angry at the light of my life? The one whom I have been praying for his safety and good health every night, before I go to sleep? The one whom I've been missing like crazy since he left?

If I was even angry at all, the only person that I would be angry at would be nobody else but myself. Cos I thought that I had done something terrible to make you not want me anymore. I thought that it was my fault. But guess what? It was nothing but a mere misunderstanding. I cannot believe that our first 'argument' was due to a technical glitch. See, technology can be unreliable at times....and I am glad that we managed to solve everthing...clear everything up before it got any worst. Before it dragged on to the point of no return.

Because next week is his birthday after all. :)

"Happy 21st Birthday in advance, Jay....and I miss you so much."

Saying Goodbye

2006-03-06T12:19:00.000+08:00

Everytime I finally mustered the courage to say goodbye to you, you will return, pull my hand and make my heart want to say yes all over again. I love you and I will always do, but I have to move on. I have to do this because I am going insane because of you. I love you so much but I have to start loving myself more.

I still miss you. I will never stop missing you. But it has come to the point where I cannot stand it anymore. I cannot handle missing you anymore. I have to just let you go. All the good and bad times. Everything....I have to throw them far,far away...before I throw my life away for something that I may never have in this lifetime. For someone whom I may never see again in this lifetime.

Last Thursday, I finally had the courage to delete all your smses which I have been keeping all these while. It was one of the most difficult things for me to do because your smses never fail to comfort me whenever I start to long for you. I would read them every night, over and over again...and somehow, I would hear your voice in my heart. And that was how I managed to go on with life for the past 6 months. You gave me strength, but you also killed my insides....

After I took my shower and settled myself on my bed to catch American Idol, I reached for my mobile, totally determined to delete your number from my phonebook. Deleting your number would have been the last thing that I had to do to finally reach a closure where we are concerned. But Fate has a funny way of doing things. I was this close to finally finding a peace of mind. But then, when I flicked my mobile open, I saw 5 smses waiting for me.

You sounded remorseful. You wanted to talk. You said that you would wait for my reply.

But by then, I was already very exhausted. Why couldnt you just let me forget you? I didnt reply to your smses. And then came the phonecalls. After I read your smses, I sobbed so hard. I broke down. I kept my mobile in my cupboard because I didnt want to give you an impulsive reply. I was too emotional then. And I watched the American Idol with tears flowing down my cheeks.

I finally checked my mobile at around 11pm.

And I was greeted by 9 missed calls.

My heart ached so bad.

But,I am sorry. It is not that I dont care anymore. But I HAVE to let my heart mend. I have to let you go. And until the day when you can come back, please let me live in peace. Because I am tired of missing you every single second of my life.

Life is hard, but happy

2006-01-28T09:52:00.000+08:00

*Listening to Fort Minor's Where'd You Go*

Fort Minor is coming down to Singapore for a gig right? *_* But I dont think I will go laa...cos now, I am saving every penny for my impending Tokyo trip which I hope to make before the end of 2006. I dont care if mom and dad are still dead against it...cos it is my life, my money and my dreams...and nobody can stop me!!! Plus, I really want to go to Arashi's con!!! I think I can die a happy lass once that happens....*hurhurhur*

And talking about dying, I had a near death experience 2 days ago...as always, by the time I leave work, I would be so shagged that I would be literally sleep-walking my way home. And the inevitable happened - I nearly get knocked down by a motorcycle...!!!! I swear that I checked for incoming vehicles before I crossed the road...but how that bike suddenly appeared before me, I have no idea whatsoever....but God and my guardian angel must have been looking over me. Except for the minor cardiac arrest that I got from the shock, I was ok......but I guess I should be more careful in future...cos there are still so much that I want to do in this lifetime....:)*errr, yeah right*

And on the love front...lets just say that we are taking a break from all the miscommunications, misunderstandings and insecurities....one big hint: I dislike people who are indecisive, insecure and who give up easily...in short, weaklings are not my cup of tea...but what the hell...he's still a kid....*sigh*

One more time...

2006-01-27T21:54:00.000+08:00

Ok, I am back again. Hope I can keep this blog updated as often as I should. For real. Alright, ikimasho!