Tuesday, December 19, 2006
While I am stuck in rainy Singapore, he is probably in Manila right now, enjoying himself with his friends.
*bummer*
Btw, I just discovered that his moon sign is Scorpio. So that makes him a Pisces-Scorpio. And I am a Scorpio-Taurus. Hence, no matter how we shuffle things around, we are still a match made in heaven.
Or so they said. haha.
But even a match in heaven has its hellish moments too. To me, nothing sucks more than being apart from him. I hate long-distance relationships! *grrr* In LDRs, we have to work extra harder in every aspect. Extra trust, patience, communication. And one thing I've learnt over the past year is to never, ever jump to conclusions. Never assume. Cos most of the times, you are just being paranoid for nothing. haha.
Most of you surely know how impatient I can be. I hate waiting. When I want something, I want it NOW. But I can't have Jay here whenever I want him to. No matter how hard I insist, he cannot be here at a drop of a hat. So, for the first time, I felt powerless. And helpless.
The first few days after he left, I felt an immeasureable amount of depression. I felt lost. I felt like as if I have lost my rock. I blamed God for separating us. I would cry everyday and every night. I was spiralling downwards. And whenever I hear from him, I would feel even worse. No matter how hard he tried to console me, I was not taking any of that. I was going crazy.
I guess it must have took me months before I could come to terms with the separation. I threw myself into my work. I tried my darndest best to block out the pain and the loneliness. But I could only do so much. The mask that I had painted on my face was slowly starting to crack. All over again.
But it was not all that bad. Jay and I tried to communicate with each other as much as we could. And it was all those surprise emails or smses that came without any notice that really kept our love alive. He also continued to affirm his feelings for me as often as he could. And I really appreciate that. Cos Jay is a very private person who more often than not, keeps to himself. So, the fact that he could put himself in a vulnerable position by expressing his innermost feelings to me really meant a lot to me.
I also try to make him relevant in my life by updating him about my life frequently. Before I share a certain news with everybody else, I would share it with him first. He is the closest friend to me, although physically, he's the furthest. And I loved it when he gets excited and happy for me. Or when he remembers me in his prayers.
With Jay in my life, I feel like I can face whatever life throws at me head on. I found my inner strength in him and I know that he is rooting and cheering for me from wherever he is right now. You know, I may not have made it to the summit of Mount Kinabalu if not for him. Before I left, he told me that he believed in me. He trusted me, even when I couldnt trust myself. And as I was ascending the mountain, he never left my mind. When I was delirious from sheer exhaustion and I started having monologues, I kept my sanity by 'talking' to him. He was the reason behind all my successes. And I wanted to succeed because I wanted him to be proud of me.
Jay, if I could say just one thing to you, it would be 'thank you'. Thank you for existing in my life. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. Thank you for your love, trust and prayers. Thank you for just being you.
And thank you to you too, God....for allowing our paths to cross and to merge as one.
Ok, enough of all these ramblings. And I thought only he has an addiction to sentimality. Looks like I need to go for rehab for the same thing too....see. we ARE perfect together.
hah!
Amen.
`iRained
i loved @ 11:34 AM
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Monday, December 11, 2006
You know the festive season is making me miss my baby soooooo much...n he's going to Manila next week.....*sobz* And you know, I am so worried about him...cos everytime I read the papers or watch the news, I hear about the destructions and deaths due to the typhoons....and all I can do is to say a silent prayer for him....:'(
Damn it, Jay...come back soon ok....
You said that you never want to lose me...and you know that I would just die if I were to lose you.....so keep yourself safe ok....
u know i love ya...
*hugs*
`iRained
i loved @ 8:15 PM
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Saturday, December 02, 2006
I LOVE YOU, JAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!
As you can see, I received the 'verdict' today. At 4 am, no less...hahaha.
And yeah...GOOD NEWS!!
And I am just so glad that I took the plunge by asking him that BIG question. I asked him what exactly am I to him...cos u know, I never knew. We went from strangers to friends to close friends to 'I-dont-know-what' in a matter of a year and never once did either one of us popped this question. We were so comfortable with where we were that maybe we became complacent. We took our current situation for granted. And I didnt want that.
Cos it is becoming increasingly difficult to explain when friends start to ask about our relationship.
I mean, yeah..I do love him and I know that he loves me too. But friends do that too right? Love does exist between two friends right??
And I began to doubt what we have - are we just friends? Good friends? Or more than that???
I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to have some affirmation from him. So that at least, I will have a reason to continue to wait for him.
And this morning, I got what I have been searching for all these time.
For once, the person that I love, loves me back too. He said that I am a very special person to him and that he cares for me more than just a friend. And he said that when he comes back, he will tell me in person what he really feels for me. He also said that he doesnt want to lose me...
*sobz*
I am just so thankful to God for allowing me to meet this amazing person...
I love you baby...soooooooooooo much...
*hugs*
`iRained
i loved @ 11:18 AM
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Monday, November 27, 2006
Should this blog cease to exist one day, it would be because Jay and I are no longer together...
The past few days have been especially tough for me...and maybe for him too. I opened a can of worms a few days ago and I wonder if I should have confronted him like that. But I think that we should start to face the deeper issues, instead of shoving them in some dark corner, never to be unearthed. And that is the cause of the present awkwardness and silent treatment.
And how have I been taking all these crap?
Well, I knew that he will react like this. I have already preempted his actions way before I confronted him.
And I am not surprise at all.
The boy needs time. And that is what I like about him. He is not the type of person who reacts spontaneously and regrets his actions hours later. He is the kind who will take it all in, walk away and come back days later with an answer. He is calm like that.
But I cannot take it anymore. The waiting is driving me crazy...
:(
Jay, just dont make me give up on us....ok?
`iRained
i loved @ 2:41 PM
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Sunday, November 19, 2006
"And though the world would never understand
This unlikely union and why it still stands
Someday we will be set free
Pray and believe..."
(Rivermaya's You'll Be Safe Here)
Can you believe it?? I saw Rivermaya at Orchard Cineleisure on Thursday!! I was going up the escalator while they were going down the other escalator when I saw the vocalist, Rico. And I was like "This guy looks so familiar.." And within a fraction of a second, I realised that they were a couple of other guys behind him and somehow, I had eye contact with Japs, the band's bassist. He smiled and that was when it hit me....it was RIVERMAYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
About to hyperventilate, I turned to Nisa who was beside me..."Nisa, do you know Rivermaya??" She was like "Yeah.." And I think I said something like "Those guys are Rivermayaaaa!!!!!!!!" It was so funny...hahahaha....but we didnt run after them though...which was a waste right??!! Nevertheless, I am just sooooo happy that at least I managed to see them in person.....one more dream has come true for me!! hahaha!!
And what made the experience even sweeter is that I was gonna buy their album that day. I planned to cross over to HMV from Cineleisure after the movie....and it was so cool that I managed to see them even before I could get my hands on their cd!hahaha!And I didnt even know that they were in Singapore...so it was really a nice surprise for meeeeeee!!!! It was like a nice late birthday present or something...hehehehehehe.....and yeah, they were really good-looking....hahaha. But you know that I can be pretty bias towards cute Filipinos...hahahaha...
Well, I have been listening to their cd constantly for the past few days...and I just love it! And I could really identify with some of the songs...like You'll Be Safe Here and Bali Song....the words to those songs basically sum up whatever I've always wanted to say to Jay....*hugs*
And talking about Jay, I bet he would flip when he knows that I saw Rivermaya up close....hahahahaha.....:P
*Support Pinoy Music!*
`iRained
i loved @ 8:55 AM
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Monday, November 13, 2006
Dedicated to the most beautiful guy to ever grace my life story...Jay, this one's for you.
Pride has stopped me,
So many times...
From telling you,
What you exactly mean to me...
How much you mean to me...
How dear you are to me...
But now,
Let there be no more secrets...
Between you and me..
I love you.
Everyday, every hour, every second...
Your name resonates deep within me,
With every beat of my heart.
And you know,
It doesnt matter...
If maybe,
You dont love me too..
Because I cannot stop loving you,
Even if you ask me to.
But please...
Do not ask me...
Why...
Why you...
Why I miss you..
Why I long for you...
Why I care about you...
Why I pray for you...
Why I love you...
Because I do not have any answers to give you...
I just do...
So, at times...
Should you let your imagination get the better of you,
I just want to tell you this...
There are many guys in my life..
In my past and my present...
And I have never attempted to hide that fact...
But right now...
There is only one person in my heart.
And that person is you...
Let it just be you...
Only you...
For the rest of my life....
Jay, I have been hurt before. And it took me so long to recover. It took me years before I could open my heart for another person. But when I met you, I realised that maybe I could do this again...maybe I should be brave again...maybe it is time to put myself in a vulnerable position again. And I took that chance. I opened my heart for you. I let you in. I began to relearn the meaning of caring for another human being.
And I truly thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. To be somebody significant to you. To be somebody whom you could care about. And no words would be enough to express how grateful I am to God for allowing us to meet.
Jay, dont you think that it must be Fate that allowed us to meet and fall in love? I mean, we could have gone through this lifetime without knowing each other. But somehow, our life paths were intertwined into one. We met, we became friends and we found love in each other's hearts.
You are definitely God's gift to me.
And I never want to lose you.
Jay, I love you so much. Thank you for everything....*hugs*
`iRained
i loved @ 8:35 PM
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Thursday, November 09, 2006
10 Questions About Your Significant Other
1. What do you call him?
Simply Jay....no pet names for him...haha...cos I just love saying his name...
2. What does he call you?
tika/dear. Or 'oi' when i'm not listening....hahaha
3. What was your first impression of him?
I thought he was cute. I remember thinking "Damn laaa...why is there a cute guy here?????" I was kinda nervous cos I dont handle myself well in front of good-looking people(or at least people who are good looking TO ME)...hahahaha........i start to stammer and all....so embarassing....:P And I avoided Jay ALL the time...cos I just didnt want him to look at me....hahahaha....maybe becos I felt like as if I was not worthy of his eye contact....:P
4. Was there instant attraction?
It was electrifying!!! hahaha... no laa......we started out as friends...and I really enjoyed his company...he was always making me laugh...and what sealed it for me was when he could keep up with my philosophical ramblings....cos he used to take a philo module in uni too...so it was really cool that we could have an intelligent convo together....hahahaha
But actually I cant really remember how/when we started getting close....hahaha....because it seemed like as if we were close from the start....maybe we were soul mates in our past lives or something...it just felt natural...:)
5. Who asked who out first?
He did...he smsed me in the middle of the night asking me if I would like to accompany him to get a new handphone the next day...hahaha...and I found it weird cos he could have asked his other friends to go with him...like his male buddies or something...but he asked ME......like kinda duh right? hahahahah....:P But I said yes anyway.....:P
7. Beautiful memories?
It gotta be the time that we spent at the Arts canteen. THAT LAST DATE...and I was this close to sobbing in front of the lunch crowd....but I held it in...it was just very, very emotional....cos he had to return to PHI in 2 days time....and we were hating the moment when we had to be separated...:(
8. Any differences?
Jay and I are as different as land and water. From age (he's 3 years younger than me) to religion (he's a staunch Christian) to nationality (he's a pinoy), we have NOTHING in common...but somehow, we found common ground...somehow, we could connect...somehow, we could disregard every little differences because we just care about each other too much...somehow, we could find love in each other....and that made it ALL the more special....nobody can stop us, man...nobody.
8. What's your couple song?
Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney.
9. Is he a romantic guy?
Err...hahahaha....he's a sweetie pie...but romantic? I dunno...but I love it when he tells me that he misses me so much, when he calls me dear, when he talks about what he wants to do with me when he's back, when he said that he loves me....I really appreciate every single word that comes from him..cos I know its not easy for him to express himself like that...to be so open and vulnerable like that...I think its not easy for ANYBODY...so, I appreciate that....and I love him so much for that. And I am just so thankful that our love is still growing strong despite being separated for more than a year now....and I thank him for all the effort that he has been putting into this whole thing...for still wanting it....for still treasuring it...and I believe that if we could go through this, we could go through anything in the future....:)
10. What's the best thing that he has said to you?
"You are one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me..." (Everybody...AWWWWWWW!! hahahahaha)
`iRained
i loved @ 11:55 AM
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